Telefonica The Final Frontier

Sorry about the delay in between the posts but life has been a bit hectic

Just as I was starting to get into full venom with regard to Telefonica, they go and pull the rug out from under me. I hope that they realise I am now having to seriously reconsider my position, and the remarks that I have made about them. Whilst they have all been a true account of their dealings with me in the past, I have to say my more recent dealings with them have been more on the astonishing side.

I did finally purchase a cave house in Andalucia and the process was pretty painless although a little more drawn out than I had hoped, but that was more on my side than theirs. I decided to investigate the possibility of getting the phone line reconnected and in turn investigate the possibility of ADSL. I did think my chances were slim, a case of Bob Hope to No Hope. My first call to them went very well and they were more than accommodating but having dealt with them in the past I knew fine well not to trust what they were saying to me, or at least not take it on face value. I had asked if we could have the line reconnected to which they said “Yes no problem”, I did the usual, checking postal address etc but they insisted that this would not be a problem. I then enquired if it would be possible to have one of my lines transferred rather than a new installation and also asked what difference there would be in cost. Again they told me that this would not be a problem and when would I like it done. I told them that we had not actually signed for the house but would let them know as soon as possible.

As you can see I am on a roll here and thought in for a penny what harm will it do to order ADSL? With new found confidence I went for it and asked them if I could have ADSL, there was a moment’s pause and I got a strong YES. Well this answer required a seat and a sturdy one at that. I was not going to be lulled into a false sense of security here and asked them to check and double check, which in all fairness they did and said that there would be no problem at all and it would take between 10 and 20 days.

Previous experience has taught me not to trust a word that they say over the phone, and it is my firm belief that you will normally only get the truth from one of their representatives if you have them grasped delicately by the throat, whilst wearing a menacing look. This representative was not deterred by the constant questions and by now maniacal laughter that was starting to get the better of me. She continued to tell me the cost of the installation and asked if I wanted a router etc, and continued to tell me about free calls from landline to landline in Spain. This was all too much for me and I abruptly ended the call and poured a stiff drink.

Now this is where you all think that this little telefonica dream is going to go pear shaped…………….you guessed it…………………….totally wrong!!!!!!!

I signed for the house a month or so later but in the meanwhile I had constant calls from a lovely telefonica engineer, yes I know I said “lovely” and “telefonica” all in the same sentence, just bear with me. Now this lovely telefonica engineer wanted very badly to install my phone in the new house and no matter how many times I told him he just did not seem to comprehend that I really could not do that until I actually owned the house which would require me signing at the notary. This carried on for some weeks, and was very entertaining. Just in case you think that this is the new and improved telefonica they did at one point revert to form.

One day I was sitting there doing my usual work on the computer and then suddenly the line dropped, I did my usual swore at the phone and then at the computer and dialled the connection again. I then realised that this day was not going to be a good one, no dial tone. I then tried the other line which is our normal phone line the same, no dial tone. Eventually having driven to get a signal on our mobile we managed to contact telefonica who gleefully told us that they had done as we had instructed and transferred the line to our new house. I tried to explain that we did not have the phone installed yet at the new house so how could that be? Yep the phone went down. I spent another hour or so trying to get back to them and this time they told me they had transferred it in readiness for our move. No amount of explaining to them that this was my internet data line that they had transferred, which I still really needed, seemed to make any impression. They finally accepted that maybe they had acted a little prematurely and said that they would have it reconnected. Naturally I asked when would that be, to which they replied 5 working days. I took that one on the chin and asked why the other line had also gone down. Phone went down again.

I decided that I would phone them the next day as I had a telefonica headache developing and I did not want it to get any worse. Next day I phoned again with renewed strength and confidence God knows why! They now told me that both lines had been disconnected as I had not paid my last bill. Ok what last bill?? Now you have to understand that telefonica billing system works purely on telepathy, they intend to send you a bill and you use your telepathic skills to sense when that might be and also the amount. Pretty neat stuff, even more so if it worked. I have just got to accept that I have not sufficiently honed my telepathic skills as there is no way in hell I saw that one coming. When all details of the telepathic bill were given to us we raced to the bank and paid it, problem sorted…………..nope. Five working days if that is ok with you Mrs Johnny brit customer. Eventually one of the lines came back and we decided rather than confuse them or ourselves further we would just leave it at that. Then strangely when we had just come to terms with the fact that we had actually lost one of our lines the dead phone rang. There was a look that went around the room which clearly said “what the hell is that noise coming from that dead phone”, yep it was ringing, and eventually someone came out of their stupid head trance and answered it. There was another brit on the other end of the line asking for someone that we did not know and had never heard of!! We finally sussed that telefonica had indeed allocated us another line but failed to tell us about it, we phoned one of our mobile numbers to find out what the number was and noted it. Now at this juncture I should tell you that I have since had a bill which was for both of the old numbers the disconnected number showed no charge at all and the data line for the internet showed only the tarifa planna that we have for the internet and the line rental nothing more. I am just hoping that the poor soul whose number we clearly have does not incur the costs associated with the calls we have made on that phone.

Ok back to the real story although the digression was quite amusing. In the midst of all this telephone confusion I still have the engineer phoning me now on a daily basis, we are now on first name terms and getting to the point where his family are going to ask us over for dinner. Back to the notary in Baza where we have gone to sign for the house, well that all went well and we were greeted at the new house by some good friends we have made there sporting bottles of champagne. Ten minutes after we arrived Jose the telefonica engineer arrived to say we were all gob smacked was an understatement. He took about 20 mins to install the phone. The Adsl router arrived about a week ago and I will know in the morning if the ADSL is finally activated. Now that is somewhat of a result, and we are still reeling from the shock.

My next post will be about the new cave house, the joys of yeso, water pipes and how sewerage does not go uphill !